The past two months, I’ve been trying to find ways to deal with gut wrenching grief, which is and has been strange. I know what grief is, it is ‘deep sorrow, especially that caused by someone’s death.’ I have experienced grief before, just like anyone else, I’ve had a family member, a friend, someone I knew died and I experienced grief, but beloved; what I feel, am feeling is terrifying. My grandmother passed. My grandmother, a woman God himself carved maybe from steel; because that’s how resilient she is, was, passed.
I think mentally somewhere along the line I’ve come to believe that my grandparents were invincible. They don’t get sick, they are always there, they have super human strength, I somewhat miscalculated or overlooked that the same rules applied. Somewhere in my mind, my grandparents have been labelled exceptions. Beloved, they aren’t. That simple fact, that realization, is driving me insane.
Personally I’ve always boasted how lucky I am, to have all my loving grandparents alive, well and just all around perfectly fine, and I know its completely biased but this grandmother was the last one I had in mind to go, especially now; but nobody knows when that trumpet will blow. The last two months I have googled several things “How to stop grieving, How to feel better about a love ones death, how to move on, How to bring someone back to life, How to reverse time, Do wish granting genies really exist, How to contact a loved one that has passed, Is it healthy to lose 15 pounds from crying. Another thing is, I cry. I cry before bed, I cry in the shower, making breakfast, after getting off the phone with persons at my job, I cry at the most random times and if you read my last blogs XO:Scream or Be Slapped I am not a crier. I’ve also questioned God, which I hate doing and I know my grandma would hate me doing, she was a person who would say there are two sure things, Life and Death. I know she would probably be disappointed with how much I have bawled my eyes out because she was the one to remind you that its just how life is, at the end of life there is death. My grandma had all the answers. A strong God-fearing woman, a wife, a mother, grandmother, great grandmother.
I know you XOs have probably been wondering where I’ve been, and what’s wrong. This is what’s wrong, and I’ve been trying to deal with it more internally, I’ve written notes, written letters trying to express what I’m feeling, or lack thereof. There are probably a million more things I’d like to say in this post, like how she was the first person on my guest wedding list, or how when our family gathers its always going to feel like someone is missing. Little milestones for me she wont be there, she wont see me walk down the isle, I wont get to tell her that I’m pregnant with her 100th grandchild, no more good morning videos, we wont talk on the phone for 6 hours about life, she’s gone. Worst part, she departed on Mr, XOs birthday, how tragic. So while googling how to do a seating a chart for my wedding, i’ll be Googling How to deal with Grief, I haven’t found the answer yet, but I hope I do soon.