LIFE HACKS

Life Hacks You Never Knew You Needed: XO In Case of A Counter-Attack Bombing.

So unless you live under a rock you probably know that last week  President Trump authorized a bombing on Syrian government airbase. The President ordered US warships to launch a whopping 59 Tomahawk cruise missiles at the airbase that was home to the warplanes that carried out the chemical attacks on its own nation. Yes, you read that correct. The US bombed Syria because Syria bombed Syria. Strange world isn’t it?. In hind sight, we get it. The President pretty much saw the ‘shittery’ and said, “Dude, this is totally bogus, you know what, YOLO, lets show em that America doesn’t stand by shittery.” Yes, I do think the President Trump still uses words like “Yolo”.

Lets fast-forward to today, shall we? Just two hours ago I got another “Briefing” on my Samsung Galaxy S7 Edge, (BTW, I literally get these briefing messages now way more since Donald Trump took office) the headline read “US Drops Largest NON Nuclear bomb in Afghanistan”. Yes, you read that right again. A GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast Bomb (MOAB) aka, The Mother of All Bombs. President Trump called it “Another Successful Job”.

That got me thinking, if Mr. President is gonna just be ordering bombs like late night pizza, “Um, lemme get a 60 missiles, what do you mean?, ok 59 will do and while you’re at it, lemme just reserve a um, mother of all bombs for next week, I’m feeling a little peckish on this ISIS diet, yes extra cheese, thin crust will do. Thanks and remember to Always grab em’ by……. and the waiter finishes his sentence.” Because lets face it, in a lot of minds now, that’s his slogan.

So with all that being said, it got the old gears turning and suddenly I realized, I don’t know the exit stations in case of a counter strike bombing. Nobody has prepared me for this, and I’m pretty sure you aren’t either. All my life I’ve been told what to do if there is a hurricane, an earthquake, a fire, a tsunami, even a tornado and I lived in Jamaica most of my life. So what do you do in case of a counter strike bombing. An Apocalypse. Here are some XOMZMIEANN life hacks which may or may not help in case there is a counter strike bombing or a world war.

5. Buy A Bunker.

For those of us who do not know where the secret bomb shelter is for the rich and well off, don’t worry about it. Buy A Bunker. This isn’t as hard as a sounds. I literally came across someone selling a bunker on Twitter. Yes, you read that right. For only $5,995.12 you can own your very own survival bunker. That’s only 600 payments of $9.99 plus shipping and handling. Ask for the XOMzMieann discount. Screenshot (2)

4. Hazmat Suit.

Now your mind probably thought Hazmat suit and Ebola, Dude its like totally the same (In my President Trump voice). Order a Hazmat suit. There is a wide variety of Protective Suits out there, cause’ hey, if the blast doesn’t kill ya, the radiation probably will. Google searching “Best Hazmat/Radiation Suit In Case Of Nuclear Bombing” was more than fascinating if I do say so myself. I found quite a lot of suits ranging from $11-$3000 USD. I’d probably go with the latter, but that’s just me, I don’t do well with radiation and all.

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3.  A Year’s Supply of Food

So, a war broke out, bombs were dropped. You got the survival bunker (shout out to you if you get the XOMzMieann discount, you are the GOAT). Before all that though you need to stock in your bunker at least 14 days worth of food. Never ever leave your bunker after the initial 48 hours after the bomb has been dropped. Hazmat suits are good, but not that good. If possible, I say never leave after the first year, if you are the type to risk it though, you may be able to venture out and participate in some fun-filled looting. Well that is if others survive too, then you are just on your own there. Make sure to stock up on non-perishable items, you know the regular sardines, tuna, corn-beef, if you are in Jamaica, skip the corn beef.

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2. Water is Life

Water Is Life. You’ve probably heard this all your life. It’s absolutely true. If you got the bunker, the suit and the food its all a waste if you don’t have water. You need at least 14 days worth of water, you know, to match those non-perishables, in fact try to get extra water. You never know what’ll get contaminated in the whole bombing process because if radioactive dust gets in that, there is absolutely no way to get it out. I’m pretty sure drinking radioactive water just might turn you into a zombie but that’s a completely other apocalypse. I took the liberty of looking up the absolute best water for events such as this, and look, there is even free shipping.

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 1. Cat Litter

Trust me, you need it. Imagine being stuck in bunker for 2 weeks with the pungent smell of poop and radioactive dust. Hopefully if your not a hermit, you’ll be sharing your bunker with someone. You have no idea how many times I’ve asked my Sunday School teacher how did Noah and the other humans survived The Ark with all those animals. Atlas, at about age 20 I realized it, cat litter. You must stock up on tons and tons of cat litter my dear. There is only one thing worse than a nuclear bomb and that’s sitting around and smelling your own excretions for a year.

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So, those were the 5 Xs and Os in case of a counter strike nuclear bombing. May The Odds Be Ever In Your Favor.  large

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7 thoughts on “Life Hacks You Never Knew You Needed: XO In Case of A Counter-Attack Bombing.

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